As a first-generation Mexican-American, my identity has never felt defined. This is not uncommon for those of us who struggle to never be enough of either identity and find ourselves straddling the middle nuances trying to find our place. My parents immigrated separately to the United States in the late 1970’s and immersed themselves in American culture and fell in love with this country and all it had to offer. We grew up speaking both English and Spanish, belting out the greatest hits by Vicente Fernandez while also knowing all the lyrics to the Spice Girls’ Wannabe. We celebrated Christmas with ham and pie but also menudo or pozole and pan dulce. Being Mexican-American is an honor and a privilege but that doesn’t exempt it from having its pros and cons, which are sometimes one and the same.
In school, kids always saw me as being “too Mexican”. I was a girl who was one of maybe six non-white students in my school. I was the girl who spoke Spanish, listened to Mexican music, and went to Mexico to visit family. To those kids, I was not “American” enough despite the fact that I love hip hop and rock music as well or that I also celebrate the 4th of July.
When I do visit Mexico, to my family, I am too American! They think that because I was born and raised in the United States, speak English, and celebrate the 4th of July, I am not Mexican enough. My Spanish was never perfect enough, my style was too American. As my siblings and I climbed the education ladder, we felt much more separated by our Mexican family and friends, Qué se creen mucho – words we always hated hearing.
Long have I never felt enough of one or the other. Selena Quintanilla’s dad said it best in the 1997 film, Selena, “we have to be more Mexican than the Mexicans and more American than the Americans, both at the same time! It’s exhausting!” Truer words have never been spoken! It took most of my adolescent years into my adult years to embrace the true gift that it is to be Mexican-American. It takes a certain mastery and skill set to maintain endless pop culture references from Walter Mercado to all the 90’s animated heartthrobs. To be Mexican-American is celebrating holidays in two food variety categories. Nothing says Fourth of July like hamburgers and hot dogs with carne asada and always con arroz y frijoles. Your stomach doesn’t know whether to love or hate you.
Navigating the intricacies of two cultures is no easy feat and it isn’t perfect. We know there is a constant internal struggle between both cultures and ultimately we have the power to decide what our identity means to us. I am that Mexican girl with that dark thick hair, brown beautiful skin, and a wider-set nose that is of my ancestors. My Spanish is not perfect and I still have to remember a cajón is a dresser in English, and like many others, my age have watched every episode of Friends. Ultimately, through it all, your identity is your own and what you make of it. So enjoy your pan dulce and eat it too!